Le Melon: I Love You

Nîn Meleth,
I miss you terribly and you haven't even been gone that long. The world seems to slow down its rotation when you are not near. This life we are leading right now kills me. Alone and vulnerable, I sit here lifeless in a daze as the world slowly continues around me. I truly am not anything without you here to animate me. When my life was hardly bearable a few years back you were the person who saved me. You made me realize there is a better life out there if you to choose to take that path. "The only time I feel any sense of peace is when I lock myself away from the world in complete darkness." My love, let me be your light, follow me and together we will be at last. You say you cannot live without me and nor can I without you beside me. You have said you felt like dying would be easier. I am telling you that dying would only increase the problems of the world and it would leave the people you love and the people who love you alone to face this corrupt world.
If you were to die, I would follow soon after; I simply cannot live with the pain of losing my one true love.

You're all I hoped I'd find
In every single way
And everything I could give
Is everything you couldn't take
Cause nothing feels like home, you're a thousand miles away
And the hardest part of living
Is just taking breaths to stay

Mayday Parade~ Miserable At Best

Meleth,

Le Herves, Le Galad

(Love,

Your Wife, Your Light)

My Anchor

It's amazing how you really can be surrounded by friends and family that care about you as well as some strangers yet feel so alone. It may sound cliche but it is the truth. I'm so unhappy and yet people seem to believe I am one of the happiest people they know. Wow, I have them fooled. Though it hurts me that no one sees how I feel under this mask I am beyond pleased people fall it. This mask covers my emotions from the outside world so save me from answering simple questions people will not understand the simple yet complex answers that my mouth will spew. I need him. I cannot be happy unless he is here beside me, his fingers laced in mine ready to take on the world by my side. Each day my love for him grows, which only means void I feel for him intensifies and in turn causes each day without him to be more miserable than the last. I have done nothing to deserve this love that he gives me but now that I've had a taste, like a vampire and blood, I need it to survive. With him I don't need to pretend to be something I'm not and this mask I wear he sees right though it and unlike everyone else, he doesn't judge. I need to spend the rest of my life with him because without him I will never allow myself to thrive. These people around here keep me anchored while he, my love, lets me soar.

Rage: -noun; angry fury; violent anger.

One Christmas quite a few years ago I received a journal from my mother. It took me exactly a year to write something in it because for some reason I hate to ruin paper with my inane thoughts and chicken scratch handwriting. In that black and pink journal I wrote down my day in over simplicity except the nights I was awakened by snarls and booms. It may sound as if it were every child's nightmare to awaken to find their parents in a brawl. As messed up and crazy as it sounds, although it bothered the hell out of me, it was comforting, normal, something I had grown up with before my stepfather and before I received this savior. Savior. Savior; the word has never come to me as to what to call these ludicrous words I throw together in order to express whatever it is that is eating its way around my helpless body. All of these epic nights where I wrote down the nasty things that had happened between my mom and step dad they made me remember when I was little. Every single one of those nights walking to stand between my parents in my Barbie nightgown. It was normal then and remained normal and still is today even if I outgrew my nightgown. I love my parents. I really do love them even if they cannot love each other the way love and marriage is supposed to work. When I would cry myself to sleep on those nights of the fights, as much as I loved them, in that black and pink book I would pray to never let me be like my mother and to never marry the man who would fill me with such rage and to never let my children have to seek sanity between the lines of the paper. As I get older and help raise my two younger brothers I find myself turning more and more into this person who has lost all patience. I'm giving in to the easiness of rage instead of fighting against it as I have for all of these years. Now, it is so much easier to threaten people then to actually sit down and ask. I don't know what I'm becoming but you are what gives me hope. Promise me that our lives will not lead to fighting about anything more than any normal thing like what color to paint the baby's room or whose turn it is to pick the movie. I couldn't live with myself if I make our children experience not only what I experienced but what you experienced. I want to be a good mother like my mother is but I feel this rage winning. I need you here to help me control it because you are the only one who can.

These Lonely Nights

These nights sitting here alone are the nights that are slowly killing me. These nights when your voice and essence are so far away are the nights that cause me to lose my sanity piece by piece. These nights when I don't hear from you are the nights when I cry myself to sleep.

Without hearing from you I simply cannot function. These long, cold, lonely nights are constant reminders of what life is like without you near. When you are gone all I want to do is sleep because my dreams are the only thing that connect you and me. Lying there, willing myself to sleep, it's honest to God one of the hardest things I have to face. Sure these dreams bring me closer to you but I worry too much about you to sleep. I know you are simply busy slaving away but who knows what could happen to you at any point in time. However, that doesn't explain the feeling I have as I force the slumber upon me. It's more than the fact that I'm worried. It's the fact that my deepest fear is living in front of me, engulfing me. I'm alone.

Love, I am beyond tired of these tears being shed. I know that it hurts you when you see that I have been crying. I know that the last thing you ever want to do is hurt me and to cause me this constant pain i feel in your absence. You must believe me when I say it is not you that causes this hole and this pain. It is the fear of losing you and never having the chance to be by your side. I'm not a religious girl but I do have faith. I have faith that we will be together- someday. I may not attend church on Sunday or thank God before each meal and I may have broken almost every commandment, but these lonely nights, when I'm tossing and turning while my face is buried in my tear drenched pillow, I send a silent prayer asking for just one chance no matter the price to if even for only a moment feel your skin brush against mine.

These lonely nights are the nights that are slowly killing me. These lonely nights when you are so far away from me are making me go insane. These lonely nights are the nights tears and eyeliner smear my pillow.